Lately I've been finding myself feeling guilty about literally everything. EVERYTHING. I feel guilty when I get my hair cut, wash my car, read a book, play a video game, eat a nice meal... you name it- I feel guilty about it.
But I start to look at what I feel guilty about and ask why? Would I ever judge anyone for taking time out of their day to read a book? HELL NO. So why in the world do I feel like this? It's simple- I think I don't deserve time for ~leisure~ activities. I know, it's stupid. I'm not looking for you all to be like "OMG ASH YOUR AWESOME YOU DESERVE IT"-- shut the fuck up. I am not asking for you to tell me because you know what? We all deserve this shit, myself included. I'm asking you to check in with yourself, notice if you feel any guilt and if you do- where you feel it.. and I'm inviting you to ask YOURSELF -- why?
What lies behind this emotion?
For me? I am in the habitual pattern of working EVERY DAMN DAY. 7 days a week, I'm working. I work at a psychiatric hospital with adolescents at risk for suicide and battling mental illness, I waitress, I teach yoga and I coach cheerleading. My work life revolves around giving back to other people. Don't get me wrong- I love every minute of it. But when I don't take a break, I feel guilty. Guilty because I'm set in this lifestyle of working for other people day after day with no days off. So I begin to believe that only OTHER people deserve to enjoy leisure and self care. But the days and weeks I begin to incorporate time for myself, I don't feel guilt because it's a part of my routine. Lately though, I haven't been taking this time. I need to make a shift.
So my intention for the end of this fall season is to set time aside for self care. Because if I don't care for myself- how can I ever care for anyone else? How can I go to work with an open mindset if my mind is narrow to only loving others and not myself?
It's never to late to begin again. I'm taking a deep inhale and exhale to release my GO mindset and allowing myself to feel open to change. Change that supports me as a person and all things I believe in.